Whip It. Whip It Real Good.

Alright, chilluns. Here's the deal. I don't understand a damn thing that comes out of Hollywood anymore. Yes, we've had precious little gems like Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan crotch sneak peeks, Avatar, and who can forget all those cheating scandals? But one thing that baffles my little peanut brain is the trend of exploiting your children to absolutely no end. Granted, if I have a pretty baby (I say this like I'm not going to end up alone with my cats) that little chalupa will be in beauty pageants and any money he/she wins will be used to buy my boxed wine and Xanax. Holla back, housewives.

I digress.

For one, Suri Cruise. I have seen this pint sized little mango margarita in more fashion blogs than I know what to do with. I, for one, think it's batshit crazy to be calling a 2 year old a "fashion icon". If I tried to rock the white tights, black flats, and little baby doll dresses with Scottie dogs all over them, I would look like a specialized prostitute channelling a creepy man's child fetish. Makes. me. cringe.

One family that I am absolutely in love with is the Smith family. Will and Jada Pinkett to be specific. Recently, though, there has been a phenomenon that I don't understand. Their son, whats-his-name Smith, has been in more movies than Meryl Streep lately. I understand him acting with his father in "Pursuit of Happyness" but that's about it. But, the real mind-bender lies within Willow Smith.

If you don't know who she is:

1. You probably live under a rock

2. Youtube her and her new song "Whip My Hair"

This may or may not be the absolute STUPIDEST SONG I've ever heard in my life. I have a long list of stupid songs in my back pocket as you might have guessed. These include: Big Green Tractor, Rain is a Good Thing, OMG, I Wanna Sex You Up, Billionaire, Alejandro... It's a pretty extensive list. But this boggles my mind. Has the Smith family ever heard of shaken baby syndrome? This poor little girl's eyeballs are going to detach and fall out of her head.

I'll go ahead and give you a couple lyrics that I hate because I know you're all waiting for it:

Hop up out the bed turn my swag on. Pay no attention to them haters cuz we whip em off.

I'm sorry...you're 9 years old. How many "haters" could you possible have? I jU$t d0Nt G3t iT.

Whether its black stars black cars im feeling it, but can't none of them whip it like i do.

Two things...

1. You can't drive.

2. What is a black star exactly? At the risk of offending anyone with my initial thought, I'll apologize now. But, does she mean famous black people? Perhaps the stars of "For Colored Girls"? I don't know. Either way you spin it, Willow Smith is feeling it. Thank God for that.

Also, I'm glad Willow realizes that she's the best at her craft. None of us could ever whip it "like she do".

When I'm down and I feel like giving up, I whip my hair back and forth

You whip your hair when you feel bad? Little girl, you need Jesus.

All my ladies if you feel me, do it do it whip your hair. Don't matter if it's long, short do it do it whip your hair.

Just so everyone knows, the hair whip is not length specific. Any of Willow Smith's ladies can do it too. Whenever we're down and out, all we have to do is whip our hair. Keep in mind to not get carried away. We can't whip it like Willow.

Sorry this post is such a beast!

Thanks for reading today, everyone!

Sydney

Obsession of the day: My atmospheric science professor who looks like Professor Trelawney from Harry Potter.

...For Miss Jenna

I'd like to go ahead and apologize for being such a deadbeat blogger lately. It's been almost a full month since I've posted, so I'm sorry.

So a couple of rant-y things/newfound obsessions.

1. Just so we're all aware, this part of the blog post is a little s-e-x-y, so if you're under the age of 18 or are my mother, please walk away from the computer screen. Just kidding, Mom. You can read this, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Now that I have only adults, I want to address my newfound guilty pleasure. This is porn in the form of songs, also known as "I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd. This is the original boy band in my opinion. Granted, I know only one of their songs, but I say they're pioneers.

You know all that moaning and heavy breathing that artists do in their songs nowadays? I guess to simulate the idea that they just jogged 10 miles....right? Well, that was started by none other than Color Me Badd. Has anyone (including their manager) ever actually listened to this song or does everyone just get caught up in the "ah tick tock ya don't stop" part at the beginning like me? For one, the singer's voice in the first verse is so incredibly high I don't know what to do. His range is 20 times better than mine, so instead of beating him down, I'll chalk this one up to jealousy. Also, the lyrics of this song are so badd (notice the clever spelling), they're good.

Here's a couple of golden nuggets from this song:

"Girl you make me feel real good. We can do it till we both wake up"

Now, I'm not going to judge. I don't know what people are into, but why the HELL are you having sex while you're sleeping? I can't decide if this is entirely too creepy or a major talent. Props, CMB.

"Let me take off all your clothes. Disconnect the phone so nobody knows"

....Uhhh? Why does the phone have to be disconnected? I think this was an attempt to sound romantic, but of course I'm going to overanalyze it. I, for one, think he's doing the no pants dance with a grenade (Jersey Shore term for an ugly girl) and doesn't want his other high pitched buddies to know. That's just me.

Then, out of nowhere, something similar to a musical date rape happens. There is a segment of the song where homeboy just whispers sweet nothings (read: creepy ass phrases) into the mic/the girl's ear. He says:

Girl you make me feel so good. I just wanna, I just wanna look at you. Don't say anything at all. Just lay back and enjoy the ride, yeah.

Oh my GOD. This sounds like a semi-romantic gang bang. Poor girl needs to invest in a rape whistle and get the hell out of dodge because these boys are fixing to run a train on her. Tip of the day: When a guy starts to stutter from excitement when getting ready to bump uglies, I say it's time to leave.

2. Uggs and shorts. WHAT THE FRACK. If you are cold enough to be wearing Uggs, you're cold enough to put some damn pants on. Now, take off the pocket peaking mini-skirt and put on sweats like everyone else at their 8 am class, girlfriend. You look like a dime store slut. That's all I have to say about that.

3. Jackass 3D.

Whaaa? I have no idea how to feel about this movie. Also, I don't know what's worse: the fact that I saw it or the fact that it was part of a double date. Hmmm...

Anyway, I don't know how many times you can watch a guy get hit in his willis and doodleberries and still think it's funny. If you're like me, the answer is "a lot". However, once dog shit/human shit/vomit/sweat gets involved, I'm out of the Jackass game. At one point, Steve-o was strapped into a portapotty filled with buckets of dog shit and launched into the air. Once gravity took over and inertia happened, all the poop came out of the buckets and you can fill in the blanks from there. My boyfriend and his best friend are crying from laughter while Laryssa (the best friend's girlfriend) and I are dry heaving and covering our eyes. I just don't think I'm cut out for this.

4. Sister Wives

This show has me tripping balls in the best way possible. If you're not aware, this is another one of TLC's borderline offensive shows. It's about a mormon man with 4 wives and like 6578 children and it's INSANE. At first, I thought the wives were actually sisters, which made me want to upchuck. But come to find out, that's just what they're called even though they're not blood sisters. The idea of knowing your husband is dating/married to/boning another woman would suck. What's more, they all live together. Not only must these women have serious issues with self esteem, but this man must have some serious...stamina. That's all I'm going to say about that.

That's about all I have for today. Thanks for reading and sorry this blog post is such a beast.

Love

Syd

Obsession of the day: Skateboarders eating it on campus.