Baco-no-they-di'int!

The theme today is white trash, kids.

The problem with America, aside from the raging amounts of national debt multiplying like a bored trailer park kids’ offspring and Sarah Palin, is the overwhelming amount of people from other countries who are convinced that we are all morons.

I, for one, iz am not am oron.

My newest discovery details those people who perpetuate and even validate the assumption that we all have sex with our cousins (no judgment).

There is a website called J &D's that makes the most inane and irrelevant items taste like bacon. Their slogan? "Everything should taste like bacon."

Not true. I can think of plenty of things that should not even come close to tasting like bacon...like syrup.

Don't get me wrong. Bacon definitely makes the cut in my top 3 favorite animal by-products, preceded only by shoes and purses. However, bacon is to be used in moderation especially by those of us who have seen Charlotte's Web.

Here are a few examples of what this website has to offer, getting progressively more ridiculous as we go along:

Baconnaise

Because mayonnaise isn't awful enough, we decided to add some bacon to it. How obsessed does one have to be with bacon to want to actually ingrain it into mayonnaise? It's like those lazy bastards who put peanut butter and jelly in the same can....and then into a squeezable bottle. Is a BLT really that hard to make? Not to worry, though. There is a "lite" option so that when bacon enthusiasts decide to funnel this through a beer bong and staple-gun the cellulite to their asses, it wont be SO bad.

Mmmvelopes

Tired of the bitter taste that envelope leaves in your mouth? Now that shit can taste like bacon so that when you're sending out thank you letters to your friends and family for coming to your wedding, you wont have to deal with envelope glue. However, if you buy these, I'm sort of wondering how you're finding a husband whose name isn't "Half Ton Teen". Color me bitchy.

Bacon Lip Balm

Because nothing says "Let's play tonsil hockey" quite like pan fried pork.

Bacon Baby

If nothing else, this is just poor advertising. Baby's are gross enough with their slobber and the fact that they suck the fun out of everything (including uteruses). Why make them less appealing by making them lose their only redeeming quality? The smell babies give off is a precious mix between baby powder and Johnson's soap...until you soak them in a vat of grease and sweat known as Bacon Baby. Also, your baby may turn into a little piglet.

Other options include bacon flavored salt, bacon flavored popcorn and bacon ranch, all of which sound similar to the first name of the lead singer of Blues Traveler.

I'm not making fun of any group of people by saying that this may be the most white trash thing I've ever heard of. My entire family is from parts of Kentucky, so you could say they're salt of the earth people. However, I don't know if they're bacon salt of the earth people. Secretly, I hope they qualify.

That's all for today, kids! Thanks for reading!

Obsession of the day: "In the Heights" soundtrack.